


My Anaconda Don't

by Eilera



Series: Asexual Shiro [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Asexual Shiro (Voltron), Asexuality, Established Relationship, Humor, Lance Trying to Be Helpful in His Own Way, M/M, Matchmaker Lance, Matt is Laughing at Everyone, Nobody Gets Laid, Not A Clone!Shiro, Not Even the Sex Robot, Prankster Matt, Random Alien OCs Stuck in the Crossfire, Shatt, Shiro is oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 08:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eilera/pseuds/Eilera
Summary: “I’m trying to get Shiro laid.”Matt choked, the movement almost causing his chair to fall backwards. He flailed and managed to save himself. Barely. Lance was just glad he hadn’t been eating ring fries at that time, otherwise Lance would have been showered in it.“I’m sorry, did you just say you’re trying to get Shiro…laid?”“Yes. I’ve tried setting him up with someone several times now, but Shiro is so painfully oblivious.”(In which Lance thinks the key to Shiro's happiness is getting laid, Shiro doesn't have time for this crap and Matt enjoys messing with people way too much.)





	My Anaconda Don't

**Author's Note:**

> This fic starts off in season 2 and proceeds from there but doesn't quite make it all the way to season 6. 
> 
> I've been wanting to write asexual Shiro for some time now and I finally got around to it! It's my not-so-secret headcanon. I am asexual myself, so I just like to squeeze in what representation I can. Please note that this is in no way reflective of all asexuals, but I am basing this entirely off myself. 
> 
> Special thanks to [DeathByStorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathByStorm/works) for beta'ing as usual.

“Hey, Shiro!” Lance called out, waving the black paladin down. He’d been searching for the other man all damn day. For someone constantly working, he was a difficult person to find.

Shiro paused, looking over his shoulder as Lance rushed over to him. He was carrying a heavy looking box. Shiro didn’t seem to be struggling with it at all. Lance took a moment to admire Shiro’s strength. Hot damn.

“What did you need, Lance?” Shiro asked when Lance didn’t immediately start talking.

Now that the moment had arrived, Lance wasn’t sure how to bring this up…tactfully. He hesitated but eventually decided just to get straight to it.

“Shiro, I wanna get you laid.”

Shiro fumbled the box he was carrying but he managed to catch it in an impressive show of dexterity for a man his size. He blinked at Lance. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard you.”

“Nope,” Lance grinned, waggling his eyebrows at his leader. “I can think of no one else who deserves to get laid more than you.”

A series of emotions flashed across Shiro's face too quickly for Lance to decipher. “I don’t need that, Lance. Please don’t worry about my sex life. Ever.”

“C’mon Shiro! I can help hook you up! What are you into? Ladies? Men? Both? Non-binary? Everything in between? Give me something to work with here. You like tentacles?”

“No.” Shiro said emphatically, frown deepening further. “Don’t.”

Lance’s heart sank. He just wanted to be helpful and do something nice for Shiro. Why was he being so stubborn about it? “I just want you to be happy, Shiro.” He muttered, shoulders drooping.

Shiro hesitated, anger fading from his face. He shifted the box to his Galra arm and used his free hand to ruffle Lance’s hair. He sighed. “Look, Lance, don’t worry about it. I am perfectly happy with all of you here, okay? Trust me, I don’t need to get…that.”

Lance wasn’t convinced. He watched as Shiro turned away, continuing down the hall. It almost felt like he was running away. Well then, if Shiro wasn’t going to give him some hints, that was fine. He’d find the perfect person for him, even if he had to search the entire universe.

It was time for Matchmaker Lance to make his move.

Operation Get Shiro Laid was a go.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Lance’s first opportunity to set Shiro up with a smoking hot babe came a few weeks later. They’d landed on a planet called Vylur to prevent a Galra shipment that was expected to transfer there. Vylur was well known for being a lawless planet, filled to the brim with bars, cheap hotels, gambling institutions and fighting rings. It promised that if it didn’t have what you were looking for, it would find a way to procure it for you – legality be damned. Lance was excited to see this planet, but Shiro and Allura were hesitant.

“I don’t think this is safe.” Shiro said, looking out at all the flashing neon lights and tall, oddly shaped buildings as Allura tried to find a place to land the Castle.

“I don’t like it either, but it is essential that we stop this transfer.” Allura said grimly. She carefully landed the ship in a large docking bay. “Some of us should stay here, though. I don’t like the thought of leaving the Castle unguarded.”

Shiro turned to his team. “Lance, Hunk, you’re with me. Keith, Pidge, you stay with Allura and guard the Castle. We’ll scout the transfer point, and have you join us once we know what we’re dealing with. Pidge can fly you in with Green’s invisibility once we’re ready.”

The group nodded, and Lance tried not to show his excitement at being allowed onto this badass planet. He looked around as they exited the ship, taking in the sheer amount and variety of aliens milling around. The lights were very distracting, flashing brightly in a various colours and speeds. Vendors shouted from every direction, trying to entice customers.

“I feel like this is what Las Vegas would be like back on Earth.” Hunk said nervously, sticking close to Shiro.

“Stay with me, you two.” Shiro said, scanning the crowd. “I don’t want any of us getting lost.”

Lance eyed a woman standing behind a large window. He assumed it was a strip club or something because she was wearing very little clothing and her slim body moved sinuously to some unheard music. It was very distracting.

“Lance!” Shiro barked, grabbing his arm and pulling him away.

\------------------------------------------------------

Surprisingly, it didn’t take them long to track down the Galra transport station, even though it was on the other side of town. It wasn’t that heavily guarded and Lance assumed they didn’t want to draw attention to their shipments with an overabundance of security. Well, their caution was the paladin’s gain.

They counted out the guards and their locations, mapping them carefully. Unfortunately, during their inspection, they overheard some of the guards complaining that the shipment was delayed until the next day.

They’d decided to find a hotel nearby instead of returning to the Castle. Shiro wanted to be close by in case the shipment arrived earlier than expected. They set up some surveillance, courtesy of Pidge and Hunk’s brilliance, before retiring for the night.

The hotel they’d decided to stay in was fairly small compared to many of the others Lance had seen during their trek through the city. Still, it was big enough to have a bar on the main floor. Shiro had very carefully kept an eye on Lance and Hunk while they ate dinner and he was adamant that they not drink any alcohol. Lance was kind of disappointed, as the drinks looked rather interesting. Some were blinding neon in colour, some gave off a soft purple smoke and there was even one that burst into flame halfway through.

It was awesome.

Lance took the opportunity to explore the room while Shiro and Hunk chatted about the plan for the morning. Lance would have stayed to go over it, but he was getting restless and needed to move around. Plus, everything in this bar was so fascinating. He looked around and paused when his eyes landed on a stunningly beautiful alien sitting alone at the bar. Inspiration struck, and Lance grinned as he made his way over towards her.

“Hey there,” He gave her a wink as he sat down next to her. “How’d you like to spend the night with a _champion_?”

The alien turned to look at him, pink eyes raking up and down his body. She had a perfect hourglass figure, full red lips and legs that seemed to go on forever. She was humanoid-looking, with the exception of extensive, tentacle-like hair that looked almost like dreadlocks and hands with only two fingers and a thumb. Apparently, she liked what she saw because she turned completely towards him and crossed her legs.

“Are you saying you’re a champion?” She said, voice sultry and holy shit, maybe Lance should take his chances with her himself-no! No. This was for Shiro. He was going to be a perfect matchmaker. He was going to get Shiro laid.

He placed his hand on his chest remorsefully. “Not me, I’m afraid. But I was hoping you might be interested in my friend over there. The one in black.” He pointed to Shiro.

The alien turned to look at Shiro, her tentacles slipping over her shoulder. Lance watched in amusement as her eyebrows shot up. It was excellent timing because Shiro had gotten up to move their table over to make room for a large, furry alien. He bent over the table, displaying his ass nicely. Lance grinned when the alien licked her lips. Yeah, he could understand that reaction.

She turned back to him. “I’m most definitely interested.”

“Good.” Lance beamed, standing up from his stool. “What’s your name?”

“Syn.” She replied, eagerly following him as he led the way to Shiro.

Lance was so proud. There was _no way_ Shiro was going to be able to turn down this hottie. Keith was going to be so jealous when Lance told him about this!

By the time they reached the table, Shiro was just finishing up. He stretched, muscles shifting beneath his tight shirt. Lance was pretty sure he heard Syn whimper.

“Shiro!” Lance called out, weaving expertly through the other patrons. “I’d like you to meet my new friend, Syn.”

Shiro turned, taking in Lance’s companion.

“Hi there,” Shiro said politely, extending his hand for a handshake. As Syn stared at it in confusion, he shot Lance an angry look.

Oops, maybe now wasn’t the right time to try and get Shiro laid. Whatever, they had until tomorrow afternoon. Plenty of time to have some fun and still get enough sleep.

Syn didn’t seem to understand what a handshake was, but to her credit she took it all in stride. She glanced up at Shiro through her long eyelashes and leaned forward at just the right angle to display her ample cleavage.

Ho boy.

To Lance’s astonishment, Shiro seemed unaffected by the frankly drool-educing assets on display. It was like they weren’t even there. Was he blind!?

Maybe he didn’t like women?

The thought sent a sinking feeling through his stomach. Crap, maybe he should have tried to figure out Shiro’s preferences before starting Operation GSL.

Syn wasn’t deterred. She stepped closer to Shiro, placing her hand on his bicep. “It can get pretty cold here at night. Can you help me with that?”

Lance had to give it to her, she knew how to play the game.

Shiro’s look turned contemplative. “I might have something to help you. It’s probably time to turn in anyway. Come with me.”

Oh snap! Okay, Shiro was just slow on the uptake. That was okay. Things were really rolling now. He couldn’t prevent the giant grin on his face as Syn’s sensuous lips quirked up into a smile.

“What the hell are you doing?” Hunk hissed as they followed their leader at a discreet distance.

“Don’t worry about it, Hunkalicious! I got this.” Lance said smoothly as they stopped on their floor.

They watched as Shiro unlocked his room door. Syn was practically bouncing up and down on her toes in excitement. Before she could follow, Shiro was already back at the door, a blanket in hand.

What?

“Here, they usually give you an extra blanket in most hotels. I don’t need it.”

Syn took the blanket, looking like she was moving on auto-pilot.

“Have a good night.” Shiro smiled at her politely before glancing at Lance and Hunk. “I expect you guys up at 0800, got it?”

Lance and Hunk nodded simultaneously.

And with that, Shiro’s door closed with a quiet click.

“Somehow, I don’t think you got this.” Hunk muttered.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Lance liked to think he was a good friend. He was maybe not the best influence, but he was always there for those he cared about and he wanted them to be happy. He liked to do things for them to bring a smile to their face. He was good at it, most of the time.

Shiro was making it difficult, though.

Was it so wrong to want their leader to be happy? Lance knew the others wanted it too and if anyone deserved happiness it was Shiro. In Lance's expert opinion (shut up Pidge, he _was_ an expert in these matters, thank you very much), Shiro needed love. Not the familial love he got from the team but hot, passionate love.

Sexy times.

Lance tried, holy hell did he try. It wasn’t hard to find people willing to fuck Shiro. Lance would be jealous if Shiro wasn’t also such a nice guy. All it took was one look at those broad shoulders and toned chest and prospective lovers were more than willing to let Lance set them up with that hot piece of ass.

The problem was that Shiro was so embarrassingly oblivious.

How someone could live to 25 years of age and be _that_ innocent was beyond Lance. Surely, _surely_ he had found out about the plan and was messing with them all. Right?

Luckily, a possible answer came along in the form of Matthew Holt, recently rescued and filled to the brim with Shiro Knowledge.  He'd been Shiro's best friend at the Garrison and had been with him on the trip to Kerberos. If Shiro had mentioned anything about what his type was, surely Matt would know.

Lance tracked Matt down to the kitchen where the other man was snacking on Hunk’s latest masterpiece. They were these little round rings, silver in colour but tasting like French fries.

“Matt! My friend. My buddy. My pal.” Lance called out, throwing himself down into the chair across from Matt.

Matt looked at him suspiciously, food halfway to his mouth. “What do you want?”

“I can’t just hang out with my best friend and eat some ring fries?”

Matt lowered his hand and looked ready to flee.

“Okay, okay!” Lance yelped, lunging across the table and grabbing his arm to stop him. “I need your help.”

Matt’s posture suddenly relaxed as he leaned back in his chair. “So, you’ve come to The Master, hm?”

Lance stared at him. “Master of what?”

Matt didn’t even hesitate. “Everything.”

“Somehow, I-“ Lance paused, cutting himself off. “You know what? Never mind. I need your help.” He said again, leaning forward with a serious expression. “I’m trying to get Shiro laid.”

Matt choked, the movement almost causing his chair to fall backwards. He flailed and managed to save himself. Barely. Lance was just glad he hadn’t been eating ring fries at that time, otherwise Lance would have been showered in it.

“I’m sorry, did you just say you’re trying to get Shiro…laid?”

“Yes. I’ve tried setting him up with someone several times now, but Shiro is so painfully oblivious.”

Matt blinked at him. Suddenly, he burst into laughter. Lance watched, annoyed, as he laughed so hard he was _crying_ and what the hell? Lance was just trying to be nice!

“I just want Shiro to be happy. Don’t you care about that?” Lance pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Matt’s face split into a shit-eating grin. “I assure you, Shiro’s happiness is _very_ important to me.”

Okay, that was kinda creepy.

“So,” Lance glared. “Will you help me or not?”

Lance hadn’t thought Matt’s grin could get any wider, but he was wrong. It was terrifying.

“Okay,” Matt said after a moment, standing up with his hands on the table as his face turned serious. “I’m going to tell you a secret, but you can’t tell _anybody_. Shiro will _kill_ me if he found out I told you.”

Lance’s eyes widened in intrigue. Juicy Shiro gossip? Hell yeah, he wanted in on that. He leaned forward, nearly butting heads with the rebel fighter.

Matt looked around the room as if checking for spies. Or tiny, gremlin sisters. Both were a distinct possibility.

“Okay,” Matt whispered, cupping his hand around his mouth as if that would do anything to muffle his words. “Shiro likes furries.”

Lance blinked. “You mean, like, dogs?” His entire body cringed in disgust. Shiro was into bestiality!?

Matt’s body convulsed. “ _No_ ,” He hissed, clearly concerned for Lance’s sanity. “He likes _furries_ as in, the costumes? The kink?”

Oh.

Oooooh!

“I see,” he nodded slowly, contemplating.

“Right?” Matt shrugged, flopping back into his chair with a loud thump. “So, find him someone like that.”

Where the hell was Lance going to find that?!

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Astonishingly, it only took Lance another two weeks to find the perfect…furry.

They were entertaining a couple delegates from a nearby planet in the hopes they would join the Voltron Alliance. Lance had been preparing himself for an incredibly boring night when he saw _him_.

It was like a cheesy rom-com movie. Lance had picked up another glass of this strange drink Pidge had found in one of the abandoned rooms of the Castle. It tasted like blueberries and Lance had already had three glasses of it. The party hadn’t even officially started yet. He’d grabbed the drink, trying to steer clear of Allura and Shiro as they chatted with the delegates that had arrived early, when the doors opened and in walked a miracle.

The alien was tall, maybe even over seven feet. Lance was pretty sure it was male. He had broad shoulders and a slim waist. He was also covered head-to-toe in fur and holy shit, were those cat ears?! Lance had watched, slack-jawed and maybe a _little_ turned-on as the alien sauntered past.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, he had a tail.

Okay, okay he needed to _breathe_. He could not possibly ask for a more perfect opportunity. A small part of his brain commented that this really wasn't the time to be doing this, but he silenced it with practiced ease. Shiro would forgive him after a good night of smoking hot sexy times.

As the night went on, Lance watched the alien with the sharp eyes of a sniper. Actually, he might have been freaking the poor guy out. The alien kept glancing over at him all night.

As the party came to an end, the alien approached _him_ instead of the other way around.

“So, are we doing this?” The alien asked, voice deep and smooth.

Oh damn.

“What?” Lance asked dumbly, clutching onto another glass of the blueberry drink.

“You’ve been staring at me all night, paladin.”

He-what? Oh no.

Lance’s face turned beet red and he waved his hands frantically in front of himself. “No, no, no not for me!”

The alien looked confused, tail whipping back and forth.

“I-I mean, I’m flattered and I can really see why Shiro might be interested in fur-you. Cause you are…yeah. Wow. Um, but I was watching you ‘cause I thought you might be a good match for him.”

The alien glanced over his shoulder towards Shiro. The black paladin was helping to lift a stack of tables onto a hover cart, muscles flexing and bulging with every movement.

How did he keep doing these things at the perfect moment?!

“I would…be amenable to that.” The alien nearly purred.

God, it was too easy.

Lance struggled to pull back on his suave persona. “Alright! Well, let’s make it a surprise, yeah? I’ll send him to your room tonight and you just answer the door all…you know…you.”

The alien gave him a cocky smirk that absolutely did NOT make Lance’s heart race.

Shiro better be thankful for this.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Shiro was _not_ thankful for this, if the look on his face was anything to go by.

Everything had gone according to Lance's brilliant plan. He'd told Shiro that the alien (whose name was Klyn or something like that – Lance had been distracted by his pecs) needed some Nunvil brought to his room. Shiro, being the gentleman he was, offered to bring said Nunvil to Klyn's room himself.

Klyn answered the door in all his model-like grace, shirt conveniently missing and pants riding low on his hips. He was covered in the silkiest looking fur Lance had ever seen and he honestly just wanted to run his fingers all down that sculpted chest.

Shiro offered their guest a polite smile before handing over the Nunvil. “Don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything else.”

Okay, that wasn’t quite the reaction Lance was hoping for. Playing hard-to-get, maybe?

“I can think of a few things you could help me with.” Klyn actually, honest-to-god, _flexed_ his pecs. One, two, one, two, one, two. Lance had been momentarily mesmerized.

Shiro nodded slowly. “Of course, I’m happy to help.” He gave Klyn a smile that caused the alien to freeze. “Is it going to be a lot? Should I get someone else to help us?”

Oh, whoa, what!? Shiro, you dog! Lance was truly a genius and he needed to be appreciated more.

Klyn blinked before a pleased smirk stretched across his face. “The more the merrier.”

Shiro nodded sharply. He glanced down the hallway and-

“Matt! Hey, can you come over here?”

“Coming!”

Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Matt knew about _the plan_. He would probably ruin it because he was a trickster. A demon! He might even be worse than Pidge and that was truly terrifying.

“What’s up?” Matt asked as he sauntered into Lance’s view. He took one look at Klyn standing shirtless in his doorway and a shit-eating grin materialized into existence.

Dammit.

“Klyn could use some assistance and the more hands the better.”

Lance blushed. Well, he wasn’t wrong.

Should he really be listening in on this?

Matt’s grin grew. “Yeah?” He looked over at Klyn who was most certainly very pleased with the current development. “What kind of assistance?”

Shiro nodded to Matt. “Matt can do a lot of the technical stuff. I’m a bit too rough with the delicate bits.”

What…what was going on?

Klyn pushed himself away from the edge of the doorway. “I don’t mind it a little rough.”

Shiro frowned. “I wouldn’t want to break it.”

Shiro, buddy, tone it down.

Matt started to shake slightly, and it took Lance a moment to realize he was trying not to laugh.

Klyn was looking less enthused now. “Have you…broken one before?”

“I’ve lost count.” Shiro scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “This prosthetic is a lot stronger than the average human arm and I end up squeezing too hard or burning things by accident.”

Klyn took a step back, moving his hands in front of his crotch subconsciously.

“Why, just the other day Shiro was helping out Hunk when I startled him, and he ripped it right off! It was a big one too. I was impressed.” Matt looked like he was having _way_ too much fun.

Shiro groaned, putting his hands over his face. “Don’t remind me. Hunk was stuck with it like that for _days_.”

Hunk!? What!? Oh. Oooooh. Okay, Shiro was most definitely _not_ talking about what Lance and Klyn thought he was. Hunk would have told him if Shiro had…had ripped off…

Lance shuddered.

He was relieved but also consistently shocked at Shiro’s continued ignorance.

“I…I need to go.” Klyn stammered, closing the door in Shiro and Matt’s faces.

Shiro blinked. “Was it something I said?”

Matt clapped him on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry about it, beefcake.”

Maybe Shiro shouldn’t be worried but Lance sure as hell was.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Lance decided to change tactics.

“Guys, we have a problem.”

Pidge and Keith glanced up at Lance. They were in the lounge, watching an old Disney movie Pidge had managed to scrounge up from her laptop. Keith was visiting them while they waited for an opportunity to attack a Galra base.

“Lance, just give it up.” Hunk sighed from his position on the floor. He was tinkering with some kind of machinery that Lance wasn’t about to try and decipher.

“I will not!” Lance shouted indignantly, hands on his hips. “Do none of you care about Shiro’s happiness?”

“We don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Pidge said, tilting her head over the armrest of the couch to stare at him with disdain.

“I care about Shiro’s happiness.” Keith said softly.

“Shut up, Keith.” Lance said, shaking his head. “I need you guys to help me with Operation: GSL.”

“Are you going to explain what that is, or should I turn the movie back on?”

“Please don’t encourage him, Pidge.” Hunk muttered.

“Sex.” Lance said grandly, giving them all a smug smirk.

The group stared at him impassively.

“I’m trying to get Shiro laid, you guys!”

Pidge turned back to the screen, pressing ‘play’.

“Pidge!?”

She ignored him, sinking further into the couch.

Lance looked over at Hunk, but his friend just shrugged, turning back to his project.

That left…

“Keith, help me.”

“You told me to shut up.”

“Dude, this is for Shiro!”

Keith sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t know what you want from me, Lance.”

“What kind of person is he into? Does he like someone tall, short, large, small, funny, serious- I could go on. Who did he date before the Kerberos mission?”

Keith seemed to consider it for a moment, hand on his chin. “I have no idea.”

“C’mon Keith, he had to have been dating _someone_. The entire Garrison wanted in his pants. I’d be jealous if I didn’t completely understand the feeling.”

Keith shrugged. “I’ve never heard him talk about anyone he was interested in. He never pointed out someone he was attracted to and I’ve never seen him go on a date. He spent most of his time with me or Matt.”

Lance narrowed his eyes. “Don’t sabotage this, Mullet.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “I’m not.”

Lance huffed. “You know what? Fine. I can do this on my own. I don’t need your guys’ help!”

“Good luck.” Pidge said, her voice monotone as she turned up the volume.

He would just have to go back to Matt.

Why did it feel like he was making a deal with the devil?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

“Welcome back, young padawan.”

Lance narrowed his eyes at the rebel fighter currently sprawled out on his bed. “Why are you in my room?”

“To impart upon you the wisdom of generations.” Matt said grandly, sweeping his arm out to encompass…something. Lance had no idea what that idiot was doing.

“What wisdom? You said Shiro liked furries and he was completely uninterested!” Lance squawked, stomping over to his closet to angrily put on his lion slippers.

“Yes, I noticed that. It is but an unfortunate setback. His preferences may have changed slightly, but we can work around it.” Matt grinned, a strange sparkle in his golden-brown eyes.

Lance considered telling Matt to go fuck himself with a rusty spoon, but he really was striking out with Shiro constantly. He needed to up his game if he was going to make his leader happy.

Goddammit.

“Fine.” Lance huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Tell me.”

Matt jumped off the bed, walking sedately towards the door with his hands clasped behind his back. Suddenly, he whipped around to point dramatically at Lance. “Have you ever heard of a technosexual?”

No.

“Of course.” Lance’s mouth continued its usual trend of betraying him outrageously.  

“Good!” Matt beamed, pressing the button to open Lance’s bedroom door. “Then you know what to do.”

Shit.

God, he missed Google.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

“Pidge.”

Nothing.

“Pidge!”

Nada.

“PIDGE!”

Pidge jolted violently, falling right out of the chair she’d been perched awkwardly on while she listened to music on her headphones and did whatever it was she did with computers. Lance had no idea.

“What the hell, Lance!?”

“You’re going to go deaf when you’re thirty if you keep listening to your music so loud.”

Pidge rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the advice, mom.”

Lance sighed, slumping into the chair next to her. “I need your help.”

She sighed, setting the tablet she was working on down. She adjusted her glasses as she turned to look at him expectantly.

“I need you to build a sex robot.”

This time, Pidge really did fall out of her chair.

“ _Lance, I am not building you a sex robot_! That’s disgusting!”

“It’s not for me, it’s for Shiro!”

Pidge looked at him like he’d just told her the lions were space ducks.

That would be fucking awesome-

No, no. Eyes on the prize, McClain.

“Okay, I didn’t want to have to get to this point, but-” Lance paused, looking around the room suspiciously. He leaned in closer to Pidge even as she bent away from him. “An inside source has told me Shiro’s attracted to robots.” He whispered.

Pidge froze. He could practically see the cogs working furiously in her brain. All at once, she relaxed. “Is you insider informant my brother?”

Lance watched her as she pulled herself back up and into her chair. “Maaaaybe.” He drawled, trying and probably failing to look innocent.

Pidge sighed, picking up her tablet again. “Trust me when I tell you that you should do the exact opposite of whatever my brother tells you.”

She was probably right.

But what if she wasn’t?

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ah, Shiro?”

Shiro glanced up from his breakfast, looking way too awake for this time of the morning. “Lance. I’m surprised you’re awake.”

Lance wished he wasn’t. If only Shiro knew what sacrifices he made for him.

“Um, yeah, I was wondering if I could get your help with something?”

Shiro tilted his head as if trying to figure out what Lance was planning. After a moment, he got up from his chair. “What do you need?”

Lance wiped his sweaty palms on his pants as he led Shiro to a spare room he’d found the other night to hide his present. Finding a sex robot turned out to be surprisingly easy. He’d just asked Coran to come with him to the Space Mall and then lost him in the crowds. Finding the sex shop was a bit harder since he couldn’t read any of the signs, but in his experience they all had a certain seedy look to them that seemed to be universal.

Blushing furiously and trying to look like he was old enough to shop there, Lance had requested a sex robot. He didn’t have a lot of money to work with, but he managed to get a smoking hot deal by bribing the cashier with some of Hunk’s cookies.

It was a used model, but the seller had promised it was very clean.

“I have a surprise for you!” Lance announced outside of the room, gesturing to the door.

Shiro looked at it warily.

When the other man didn’t immediately open the door, Lance huffed. “It’s fiiiiine,” he drawled, slapping his hand on the panel and shooting at Shiro with some finger guns.

The door opened with a pneumatic hiss to a room with a large bed and some knickknacks here and there. The robot was standing slumped over by the bed. It sparked a bit when Shiro looked at it.

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea?

Shiro looked around before glancing at Lance. “Uh, what am I supposed to be looking at?”

“T-the robot.”

Shiro moved closer to it, examining the dented and busted up outer shell. Lance had expected it to be nicer. Now that he was looking at it in the full light of ship-day, it looked…dingy.

“Does it do something?” Shiro asked.

The robot sprung to life. In all senses of the word. Lance stared in embarrassed horror as a large shaft suddenly protruded from the bot. “You. Copulator 3000 will do you.”

Shiro took a step back, understandably wary of a large bot wang manifesting near him.

Oh shit.

“B|33p me. B|33p me. B|33p me.” Copulator 3000 started to spin startlingly fast, knocking down furniture and threatening bodily harm with it’s metal dong.

Shiro’s face went blank, his arm activated, and Copulator 3000 was no more.

All those cookies wasted and for what?

A big, scary, metal ding-a-ling.

“Lance.”

Lance winced at the tone. He refused to look up at Shiro, afraid of what he would see on his face.

Shiro’s feet appeared in his vision.

“Lance,” Shiro said, voice softer this time.

Swallowing down frustrated tears, Lance dared a glance.

Shiro sighed, putting his hand gently on Lance’s shoulder. “You need to stop this.”

Lance’s heart sank. “I…I just wanted you to be happy.”

“What makes you think I’m not happy?” Shiro asked, genuinely curious.

“Well, I just thought…it’s probably been awhile for you. What with the long trip to Kerberos and then getting captured and then getting stuck in an intergalactic war. I just thought you might enjoy it.”

Shiro sighed again, moving his hand to rub at Lance’s hair. “Lance, I…I’m asexual.”

Lance blinked, looking up at Shiro sharply. What?

“What?”

“I’m not…interested…in that.” Shiro said slowly and there was a vaguely disgusted look on his face. ~~~~

Shiro was asexual.

Shiro was…

Oh, dear God.

“I’m _so_ sorry!” Lance gasped, wrapping his arms around his leader and squeezing him tightly.

Shiro chuckled, returning the hug just as fiercely. “You couldn’t have known.”

“I should have noticed! All those people I was throwing at you and you just didn’t seem to _get_ it. I mean, you had to be a _saint_ to ignore Syn’s…assets. And Matt said you would like fu-“

Shiro twitched. “Matt?”

Lance’s breath stuttered in his throat. Uh oh, that was a dangerous tone. He stepped back to peer up at Shiro’s face. “Uh, yeah? I went to him for help on what you might be interested in.”

Shiro’s lips twitched. “He got us both good, then.”

Lance stared.

That asshole.

Shiro shook his head. “I should have known. He’s done this to me before.”

“Are you serious? Why!?”

Shiro’s smile turned fond. “To try and get me to realize I was ace. He said I wouldn’t accept it until all potential theories had been quashed. He was right.”

That was a really roundabout way to do it, but it definitely seemed like something Matt would do.  

Lance was still going to kill him.

  -------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt was hiding from him. Lance was sure of it.

Why hadn’t he listened to Pidge? She’d even warned him! He’d been so focused on finding Shiro a partner, he hadn’t realized the man he was trying to help was not even remotely interested in what Lance was trying to offer.

He knew about asexuality, yes, but he’d never really _thought_ about it. Lance was a very sexual person, he would freely admit it. What would it be like to just…not?

Lance frowned.

What would it be like to live through life where everyone just assumed you were interested? How would they treat you when they realized the truth?

What was love if there was no sex?

Who would stay with someone like that?

The last thought made Lance’s heart clench. Rejection was bad enough in normal circumstances. How many times had people laughed and said ‘no way’ to Shiro?

Feeling suddenly depressed, Lance rounded the corner to the rec room, intent on losing himself to some video games or something. Except the rec room was occupied.

Matt was laying on the couch, head propped up on some pillows by the arm rest. Shiro was sprawled out on top of him, one arm wrapped around Matt and the other dangling limply off the couch. Shiro’s head rested on Matt’s chest, eyes closed as he slept. It was the most peaceful Lance had ever seen him.

Matt was reading from a tablet in one hand and running his fingers through Shiro’s hair with the other. He looked like there was no where else he’d rather be in that very moment, even with Shiro drooling slightly onto his shirt.

Oh.

Once again Lance had missed the obvious.

He tiptoed back, not wanting to disturb them.

Love came in many forms. Shiro and Matt were most definitely in love, even without the sex.

And it was beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> I am probably gonna write a prequel to this one showing how Shiro and Matt got together. I don't go into detail about it here, but Matt is sexual and I'd really like to explore an asexual/sexual relationship and show that it can _work_. If you're interested in that, let me know! (EDIT: I did! You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15357087))
> 
> Please feel free to talk to me about Voltron on [Tumblr](http://eilera-chan.tumblr.com/). :)


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